42.
I am softer
In my body
And my heart
Who knew that safety and thriving
Would mean an extra 7kg
And the capacity to forgive the unforgivable?
I am a student
On the piano
And on that blue mat
Humbled and rumbled
By a 14 year old who can kick my butt
With one swift arm bar
I am patient
Most of the time
But not for delayed replies to my emails
Especially when moving through my to do list
Relies on your response
#replytothefuckingemail
I am compassionate
Sometimes to the detriment of my Self
But my inner child wounds run deep
Into the abyss of
“Don’t be too much”
So I let shit slide
When I shouldn’t
I am avoidant
Because that’s what was modelled to me
But I am more aware of it
Which means there’s potential
For change
Good things take time, you know?
I’m learning not to try and rescue everyone
As I have learnt that my worth
Is not tied into your freedom
Or joy
But I am empathic to sufferances
And believe that I cannot be truly free
If you’re not
So I am peace with suffering with you
I’m not doing any of the work these days
Not breathing
Or yoga
Or meditation
Or plant medicine
Or healing
Because I’ve remembered that
Life is the ceremony
In the shock of the cold water at the end of my shower
And the gentle scent of a candle that a friend has made
In the jar of honey my mum harvested
And a bike ride on a winter’s day with my dad
In the watching of my breath as I fall asleep
And the ability to sing
And play a song on the piano at the same time
In the sweat and laughter as I roll at Jiu Jitsu
And the hilarious reels I watch late at night
As I lay in front of the heater on the floor
So safe and warm
In the ice cream we eat every Thursday night
And the sun that warms up the couch on my porch at 11am
In the witnessing of the changes in my body
And laying peacefully but wide awake in the middle of the night
Thanks to being 42 and perimenopausal
Ceremony is in
The way my daughter quivers with delight
As she crawls into bed to find the hot water bottle
Under the blanket
It’s in the Being
In the body
And the heart
And the world
I am peaceful
Understanding, and generous
And it is not lost on me
That these years, these moments
Are everything I could have ever
Dreamed them to be
And more