PART 2: SELF HEALING

This is an extension share from my previous post where I shared about my recent realisation that I always went int ‘freeze’ when things were tough on my journey with Kenzie. You should read this first.

From 6th October:

I woke yesterday morning with a dense feeling in my gut. It was familiar. After I danced with Ayahuasca last year, that feeling become a familiar foe. Beneath the heaviness that lay in the lower part of my gut, was a world of grief that was about to erupt out of me.

I ate.

I shouldn’t have.

My body wasn’t in any position to digest.

It was preparing to purge.

I went to yoga and half way through I could feel the energy shifting from my lower belly to my stomach. That point in the centre of my gut that’s always feeling started to move in waves. My mind was still, a piercing gaze to the white curtains draped over the windows which overlook that giant grandfather tree in the distance.

The pain in my gut got bigger until a single tear popped out of my tear duct and dropped beneath my eye. For most of the class I stayed present to the energy moving up towards my chest, then throat. We sat on the floor and were instructed to fold over outstretched legs. I placed a block against my gut and applied deep pressure and as I did, the tap turned on and tears exploded out of me.

I cried my fucking face off.

Just like I did for months after sitting in ceremony.

But this time I knew exactly why.

As the tears rushed out, every single moment where I stood alone with Mackenzie in my arms in hospital, at home or in therapy and held the weight of her world on my shoulders flashed through my mind. These memories were all wrapped up in fear, grief, isolation and aloneness. As each one came to my awareness, more tears shed the stored emotions, and then a rage hurled out of my heart and I silently SCREAMED.

There was me, curled over the block feeling the physical and emotional nature of this release, silently sobbing and letting the emotion move through me.

There was me, in the memories, holding Mackenzie and recalling the overwhelming and never ending challenges we endured, but due to the freeze response, I’d never fully integrated the magnitude of.

And there was an energy-me, who was reigning a fire of rage, screaming, wailing, into and because of all that space that surrounded us in the moments, where no one was there with me.

My mind was screaming out into these memories, “SOMEONE HELP ME!”

And then my consciousness screamed at everyone that has failed to support me, to show up for me, to hold the bigness of my experience and emotions, the truth of my suffering. My ex-partner, my parents, my siblings, my friends, the hospital staff. Any time I perceived anyone to fail me in my need to be held and to help me carry the load, I screamed, “You left me to deal with this all by myself!”.

As these words left my mind, and hit the faces of people I’d brought into the memories,

I started to sigh.

Big deep sighs.

Letting go.

And I knew the integration had begun. The sighs - another purge - helped my nervous system back to some equilibrium after all that had surfaced, and released. I could feel those freeze responses that had been trapped into my body, release.

Then I saw Mackenzie’s huge energy - a massive bright white light - rally in the troupes of healers. She hovered over me and called in my deceased grandparents, my parents, some close friends, my spiritual healers and guides, and they encircled me in a rich portal of care to show me how held I am. They created an impenetrable force of love and support around me and washed their healing love and light through me.

I kept sighing.

I kept crying.

I felt it all.

And became a little bit more free.

I released the block and lay on my tummy. I heard everyone leave the yoga room and when it was empty, I rolled over and wormed my way over to Kenz, who was laying on the mat next to me.

I curled up beside her with my head on her shoulder. She cradled her arm around me, holding me in the safety of her embrace. I felt like a young child being nurtured by my mother.

She takes me through these difficult life experiences.

She strips me bare.

But she is also the one who heals.